Where Do I Start…

Oh yeah, right here:

“Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.”

― Audre Lorde, A Burst of Light

And here:

Here too:

Do you feel me yet? Do you HEAR ME YET? DO YOU SEE US YET??? How many more times are thoughts and prayers going to be sent until someone realizes they aren’t for us? They aren’t for Indigenous women. Not for Black women. Not for the LGBTQ+ community. They are for the people sending them hoping that it is never them. Never Toyin, Sandra, Breonna, Natasha McKenna, Michelle Cusseaux, Riah Milton, Dominique “Rem’mie” Fells, Aubrey Dameron, Brittany Bearspaw, Brandy Wesaquate, Christine Cardinal, Loreal Tsinigie, Anthonette Christine Cayedito …Never them but used to make them look good. Socially aware. Empathetic. Woke.

It’s a blackout and empty words. A pop-culture phenomenon. Juneteenth being co-opted by companies like Wal-Mart (“it’s the freedom for me” tf?).A new idea for an Etsy store. Capitalist in form and hollow in nature. The only thing I want in black and white is a REASON. Effort. Evidence. Progress. An answer to the violent silence of this unanswered chaos. Because we are worth that. They are worth that.

I am tired. My heart hurts in a way that I haven’t experienced before. My sleep is interrupted and restless. The days gone by will bear witness to the days ahead that will not sit well with my soul. Yet in the exhaustion that comes from the sting of repeat trauma, I have a fire.

My weariness does not come bound by complacency. Defeat. Or forfeiture of my worthiness to occupy the space those before I gave everything to create. It tempers my words and guides my hand. It has bestowed patience, introspection, and the breaking of old ways.

In the darkness, we find the light. Oft times, the darkness of the tomb is merely the moment before we exit the womb. I am tired. Do not misunderstand. Weary to my core. Hurt, disappointed, shaken, yet unsurprised. I am caught in the interstitial spaces between mourning the next trauma. Processing right now is a tense situation. But I won’t be stopped. I will not silence myself.

I have released the teaching that I should vie for the comfort of others even at the expense of my humanity. Change is not polite. Respect is not easily taken. Justice is not for the weak-hearted. We will push. We will progress. We will let their names be burned into every mind. Because they should be here.